More jokes for the Weekend

[Donnywolf]

Just found I am allergic to Maggots when fishing so a mate said use Liquorice instead
I did and caught allsorts

[i_ateallthepies]

I bought a dog of a blacksmith yesterday... as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

[tommy toes]

Somebody has been trying to ruin my allotment by pouring gravy all over it.
No idea who it is but the plot thickens.

[Donnywolf]

My hoss was about to win the Leger when some git started throwing Pork Pies - Cocktail Sausages - and Pasties and Crisps at him

He lost - and the Racing Post reported he had been badly Hampered in the Final Furlong

[Bentley Bullet]

Our lass confessed to me that she used to have a crush on a couple of 80's kids TV presenters, but refused to say who they were. She said she met them once and soon realised they weren't as nice in real life as on telly. She said one of them just wanted straight sex, but the other one was even worse saying he'd got a dungeon at home.

She went barmy when I asked her if she preferred Dick or Dom.

[scawsby steve]

There once was a man called McClean

Who tried to fart "God save the Queen"

When he came to "Victorious"

"Happy and Glorious"

His arse wasn't fit to be seen

[turnbull for england]

I've got a book coming out later today

Shouldn't have eaten it really

[Donnywolf]

There once was a man called McClean

Who tried to fart "God save the Queen"

When he came to "Victorious"

"Happy and Glorious"

His arse wasn't fit to be seen

An Entrepeneur from Australia
Once painted his a**e like a Dahlia
Threepence a smell went very well
but Sixpence a lick was a failure

[Pancho Regan]

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his Madam,
And great was his mirth,
For on all Planet Earth,
There were only two balls, and he 'ad 'em.

[bobjimwilly]

There once was a farmer from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
It soon came to pass
With his ass covered in grass
But he now has all the tomatoes he needs

[Donnywolf]

I sat with The Vicar at Tea
He said "do you F**t when you Pee"
I said "NO not a bit "
Do you belch when you s**t
and I thought that was one up to me !

[Bentley Bullet]

Our lass asked me to pass her lipstick the other day but I passed her the glue stick by mistake. She's still not talking to me.

[Not Now Kato]

Teacher: - Can you name six things with milk in them?


Little Johnny: - Cheese, Yoghurt, Cream, and Three Cows.

[Not Now Kato]

Just heard JK Rowling talk about the 20 year anniversary of Harry Potter.
 
I don’t think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie McGee.

[Not Now Kato]

I just sold my homing pigeon on EBay again.

[Not Now Kato]

It’s the French "flicking a ruler on the edge of a desk" final this weekend.
 
It's held annually in the Dordogneoigneoigneoigneoigne

[Bentley Bullet]

I went up to Miss Barnsley 2018 and asked her if she'd sleep with me for £100. She said "of course not".
I said "that's a pity, I  could do with the money".

[Not Now Kato]

Cost of tonight's Chinese takeaway for two? £12.50

Fuel to drive to and from the takeaway? £1.75

That feeling when you realise that part of the order is missing when you get home?

Riceless.

[Not Now Kato]

[Bentley Bullet]

Scum of the earth......