Jokes

[Not Now Kato]

Have you ever noticed how a lot of F1 drivers share their names with Scottish places?
 
 
Stirling Moss, Eddie Irvine, Johnny Dumfries, Lewis Hamilton, Ayr Town Centre.

[bahrain rover]

I like that one Kato.

[BillyStubbsTears]

Kin 'Ell Tommy. I wondered where Jim Bowen had gone.

[tommy toes]

'Eres another then BST.
I asked the wife to polish my medieval warfare outfit while I went to the pub....she likes a night in, shining armour.

[BillyStubbsTears]

And look at what you could have won...

[Not Now Kato]

Jokes about white sugar are rare. But jokes about brown sugar?



Demerara

[tommy toes]

And look at what you could have won...

They're just jokes BST, one or two of which are quite clever and in no way Bowenesque, though I'll admit not as sophisticated as yours about the bloke with his knob in a chicken.

[Donnywolf]

And look at what you could have won...

They're just jokes BST, one or two of which are quite clever and in no way Bowenesque, though I'll admit not as sophisticated as yours about the bloke with his knob in a chicken.

Keep em up Tommy - as you will imagine they are right up my "Throne stowing" street

2 Supertankers one carrying Red Paint and the other Blue Paint have collided at sea

25 Sailors have been marooned

[tommy toes]

Wolfie
You ought to post your proverbs if you can remember em. They were brilliant!

[tommy toes]

A Greek playwright goes into the tailors.
'Euripides?' Asked the tailor.
'Eumendises' says the playwright.

Visited a street yesterday. The house numbers were 56k 124k
246k 2mg
That was a trip down memory lane.

[tommy toes]

What do we want?

- More Acronyms

- When do we want them?

-ASAP


My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.

I said, "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity."


Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.


My mate had a testicle removed after finding a lump.

He's much too serious about his mashed potatoes.


I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money

[BillyStubbsTears]

Tommy.

Wasn't my joke mate. It was Rik Mayall's finest.

Like the latest ones by the way.

[Crowle Rover]

I was in Tescos the other day and I happened to go down the washing powder aisle.
There was a fella up the top of a ladder refilling the shelves and a woman was stood having a right go at him.
"You bas**rd" she said,"you lying bas**rd! You told me you were in the Red Arrows"
"No" he replied "I told you I was in an Aerial display team!"

[Bentley Bullet]

I saw a sign today that made me piss myself.

It said "TOILETS CLOSED"

[Bentley Bullet]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says: "five beers please."

[tommy toes]

Me: Doc I'm spending all my money on mints with the hole in.
Doc: You've got buypolo disorder.

Wife: I'm sick of you acting like a private detective all the time. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we'll cover more ground that way.

[tommy toes]

Young Dingle: Mum, why is my Barnsley shirt in the back garden?
Mum: Theiving sods have nicked my pegs again.

[drfchound]

I went to an international yodellers convention meeting yesterday.
The bloke in charge asked us to form an orderly orderly orderly queue hoo hoo.

[Mike_F]

Twas a cold and rainy Saturday night in Dublin. Sean and Maureen, 20 years old each, and platonic friends, were undergraduate students at nearby Trinity College. They shared a wee tiny flat just off of High Street. Now, this evening, both Sean and the lovely Maureen, very much fancied a a pint or two down at the pub; alas, between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence. Ah, the life of a starvin student. Saints preserve them.

Sean said, "Hang on, I have an idea!". He went next door to Murphy's butcher shop and came back to the flat with one very large sausage.
Maureen cast one glance at the sausage and said, "Would ya be crazy then, Sean? Now we don't have any money left at all! Mary Jesus and Joseph, Sean!".

Sean replied, "Not to worry, Maureen me pal ---just follow me". And off Sean and Maureen went to O'Hara's Pub. Inside, Sean ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey. Maureen took one look at the drinks on the table and said, "Now you've truly lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't any money, Sean!"

Sean replied, with a smirk, "Don't worry me dear, I have a plan. Cheers!". They both downed their drinks faster than the congregation fleeing one of father Flaherty's boring sermons down at St. Joseph's. Sean said, "alright then, I'll just stick this sausage through me zipper, and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth". Feeling no pain, Maureen agreed to do so, and did just that.

Said and done, Gerard, the bartender, noticed them, went beserk (An Irish temper the likes of which you've never seen!) and threw them out onto high street, bag and baggage.

Sean and Maureen continued this routine, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, and all for free! At the tenth pub, Maureen said, "Sean darlin,
I really don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm stone drunk and me knees are killin me!".

Sean replied, "And how do you think I feel, Maureen? I lost the sausage in the third pub".

[tommy toes]

The funeral was held today for the man who invented human cloning.

The mourners were beside themselves.

[tommy toes]

I said to Mrs Toes earlier: 'I'm off intert kitchen now to cook the tea and I'd appreciate a bit of quiet while I do it.'

So she disconnected the smoke alarm.

[Bentley Bullet]

I had a check-up at the doctors today. I said, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life doc?"
He said, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I said, "I don't believe in any of that astrology stuff doc"
He said, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke".