Radio Hallam Pushball

[BillyStubbsTears]

One day I'm going to write a film script about 1980s football, North of England stylee.

Mike Bassett? Ballacks!

What you want is scenes like RH Pushball. Matrix-style camera panning as Keanu Reeves flies backwards through the air after making contact with the ball. coming to land on his arse by the twin tunnels. One of the shouty bags screams, "Gerrup yer gret puff, there's nowt up with thi." Cue Ken Avis on the loudspeaker, "You think YOU've got trouble spadge? There's a Vauxhall Chevette in the main car park with it's lights on."

Cut to our Sunday League side in Goldthorpe, with the scene where the kid called Togger ground up some dried dogshit into the manager's snuff box...

Proper football.

[River Don]

Go for it BST

What the world needs now, is a proper Northern football film, where players wear permed mullets and win Holsten Pils and Black Tower for MOTM and managers were balding and wore sheepskin coats and fans fought and injured themselves over giant inflatables.

The Damned United film barely grazed the surface. The Kes football scene only begins to mine the potential.