Irish sausage trick

[jucyberry]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me. He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints Of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll
stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do
any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember
which pub I lost the sausage in

[jucyberry]

A little old lady , well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk,
\"Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?\"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, \"Yes we do have dildos.
Actually we carry many different models.\"

The old woman then asks: \"Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?\"

The clerk responds, \"Yes we do..\"

\"Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?\"