Murphy get's a job..(Joke)

[jucyberry]

 Apologies to any Irish people but this really made me giggle..


A building site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a man named Murphy.

The boss thought, "I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman," so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9.

"Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three trees

. The boss says,"What the hell's that?

" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine.

""Fair enough," says the boss.Second question: Using the same rules, represent 99.

Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99

" Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99.

"The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.

"Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There ya go sir, 100.

"The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."He says, "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred.

"Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a tu.d, dirty tree an' a tu.d, an' dirty tree an' a tu.d, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?"

 

[mjdgreg]

Rupert, Jock and Paddy are chatting. Paddy says: ''Women are so stupid. My wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive!'' Jock says: ''That's nothing. My wife's on a diet and she's not even fat.'' Rupert says: ''That's nothing. My wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!''

[South West Rover]

  both cracking jokes.  Surely a sticky joke thread is in order?

[jucyberry]

A boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig,so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk .'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The boy looks up at his mother with a smirk and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I ??????

[jucyberry]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this...two old-timers going at it against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.'

So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed! He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"



"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric.

[jucyberry]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the Englishman retorted disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.''
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
"You idiot!", the Englishmen replies angrily. "Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"



"Sorry," responds Paddy,................ "Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

[Dagenham Rover]

lol I like that one

[jucyberry]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his

back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and

poured it over the little fella, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief.

'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice fella,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I

would want ... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs,

and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again

hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting

for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, 'the little guy says. 'I just

want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally

famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.

And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just

reach in my pocket and pull out £50 notes I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,

'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a

good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes

twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice
a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish.

[jucyberry]

BLONDE DETECTIVES



A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

[jucyberry]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by

drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .








'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[jucyberry]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote corner of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf doesn't recognise Tiger, and greets him in typical Irish fashion.

"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger, who is familiar with Irish customs, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you, sir!"

Tiger then bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what on the good earth are they fer?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Feckin' hell," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

[jucyberry]

A professor at the University of medicine was giving a lecture
on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical
students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you
know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably at the pub playing darts with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom...

[jucyberry]

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile.


He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just  produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,
but the man just shrugs,

"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical
County Clare baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks

.... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?"
"He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,



"Had him circumcised."