Jokes

[balbyrover]

Thought I'd lighten the mood up a bit on here! What's your best joke?

I'll start.

Paddy's wife had never had an orgasm, so they decided to go to the Doctors to find out why. After a number of tests and questions the Doctor suggests that Paddy's wife could be over-heating during sex.

Paddy refuses to buy a fan, and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting she still had not had an orgasm, so Paddy's friend suggests swapping places, saying "I'll shag her, and you waft the towel"

Paddy agrees, and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm she has ever had.

Paddy turns to his friend slowly and say "...... and that my son is how you waft a f**king towel!"

[not on facebook]

What do you call 250 lefties at the bottom of the sea >>> a start.

What do you throw to a drowning snowflake >>> another snowflake.

[RedJ]

 

[not on facebook]

I just could not resist it fella

[aidanstu]

What do you call 250 lefties at the bottom of the sea >>> a start.

What do you throw to a drowning snowflake >>> another snowflake.

So what have you got against lefties? I have a feeling this is going to be insightful.

[balbyrover]

Back on topic before yet another thread is ruined !!

What do you call somebody with no body and no more?
Nobody knows 

[not on facebook]

There are loads of flys  milling about in a airing cupboard ,how do you know which flys are in the army?


The flys that are sat on the tank .

[Not Now Kato]

We used to call my Granddad spider - it wasn't because he had spindly legs

He just couldn't get out of the bath.

[Not Now Kato]

Just got back from hospital having had a mole removed from my penis.

The Surgeon said I'll be OK, but the RSPCA said they'll prosecute if I do it again.
 

[not on facebook]

Why is there no women on the moon yet ?


because it don't need cleaning .

[Not Now Kato]

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it

[Bentley Bullet]

My doctor's just told me they've found a cure for dyslexia. It was music to my arse.

[not on facebook]

What did the frog say when he saw a pegion comming out of the library with a book under its arm?

'Readit readit '

[kennorover]

They found our local ice cream man dead in his van the other day. His body was completely covered in hundreds and thousands and strawberry sauce.
They reckon he topped himself.

[drfchound]

A good mate was telling me that his dad had died.
When i expressed my condolences he told me that him and his dad were not very close, and that he was quite pleased really as his dad had stepped on a land mine.

[not on facebook]

A good mate was telling me that his dad had died.
When i expressed my condolences he told me that him and his dad were not very close, and that he was quite pleased really as his dad had stepped on a landline.

Iam struggling to GET that one

help anyone > I can't pick out the landline bit

[aidanstu]

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports
it to the Captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on-board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob
who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”
The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One...”

[drfchound]

A good mate was telling me that his dad had died.
When i expressed my condolences he told me that him and his dad were not very close, and that he was quite pleased really as his dad had stepped on a landline.

Iam struggling to GET that one

help anyone > I can't pick out the landline bit

Post edited , quite easy to work out really.

[not on facebook]

Can anyone tell me when WW11 finished please .

The exact date .

[drfchound]

Who said it was a WW2 land mine ?
Surely you watch the news.

Boring.

[not on facebook]

It was a question and nowt to do with your joke mr hound ,as Iam still in the fog with your joke fella.

[aidanstu]

Can anyone tell me when WW11 finished please .

The exact date .

I'm not sure there has been a world war 3 yet never mind 11.

[RedJ]

Who said it was a WW2 land mine ?
Surely you watch the news.

Boring.

Still could be tbf with the amount of unexploded bombs they find even today.

[not on facebook]

Can anyone tell me when WW11 finished please .

The exact date .

I'm not sure there has been a world war 3 yet never mind 11.

WW two sorry

[not on facebook]

Two owls walk into a pub one goes to bar to get round in while other owl racks up a game of pool.

1st owl says to barman  two pints and 2 bags of salt and vinegar please ,as the 2nd owl breaks off for the game of pool.

The white cue ball splits the rack but shoots off down the corner pocket .

1st owl is walking by and sets the beers and crisps down on the table as his mate the 2nd owl  says " two hits " to which 1st owl answers " two hits to who "

[not on facebook]

What do you call a fish with no eye > a fsh

[aidanstu]

Can anyone tell me when WW11 finished please .

The exact date .

I'm not sure there has been a world war 3 yet never mind 11.

WW two sorry

No bother, I'm sure I've done worse.

The answer that your looking for is that the surrender happened on the 15th of August 1945, but the surrender documents were only signed on 2 September 1945, Which officially marked the end of the war. So two answers really.

[not on facebook]

Can anyone tell me when WW11 finished please .

The exact date .

I'm not sure there has been a world war 3 yet never mind 11.

WW two sorry

No bother, I'm sure I've done worse.

The answer that your looking for is that the surrender happened on the 15th of August 1945, but the surrender documents were only signed on 2 September 1945, Which officially marked the end of the war. So two answers really.

Sept 2nd 1945 you say > if that is the case why you still wearing your gasmask fella.

[aidanstu]

Can anyone tell me when WW11 finished please .

The exact date .

I'm not sure there has been a world war 3 yet never mind 11.

WW two sorry

No bother, I'm sure I've done worse.

The answer that your looking for is that the surrender happened on the 15th of August 1945, but the surrender documents were only signed on 2 September 1945, Which officially marked the end of the war. So two answers really.

It's a gimp mask not a gas mask you nutter.

Sept 2nd 1945 you say > if that is the case why you still wearing your gasmask fella.

[not on facebook]

' ay ay ay ' as they say in Liverpool ,its my joke so it's a gasmask wack.