Jokes

[Bentley Bullet]

Tommy, did Clem Attlee believe that flying an English flag was racist? Or that wearing a poppy should be banned?

[roversdude]

Amazing how such a light hearted post gets hi jacked

[The Red Baron]

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He says I'll have a pint and one for the road.

[Bentley Bullet]

A woodworm walks into a pub and says "is the bar tender here"?

[IDM]

A man walks into a bar... "ouch"

[BillyStubbsTears]

A man walks into a bar. Ouch. It was The Drum in Denaby.

[Yargo]

A man walks into a bar. Ouch. It was The Drum in Denaby.

Bingo

[IDM]

When Rome was an empire it was ruled by an emperor.

The UK is a kingdom, and our head of state can be a king or queen.

The USA is a country...

(works better verbally)

[Bentley Bullet]

"I really, really love you more than anything in the world".

Wife; "Is that you or the Whisky talking"?

"It's me, talking to the Whisky".

[IDM]

I love using eBay..

I have made a lot of cash selling the same homing pigeon a dozen times already this week!

[turnbull for england]

Trying to think of a reason to move to Switzerland,  suppose the signs a big plus..

[BillyStubbsTears]

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because he'd got his cock stuck in the chicken.

Rik Mayall might be 3 years in the ground but he still tells the best jokes.

[Bentley Bullet]

Have you ever got halfway through eating a horse and realised that you're not as hungry as you thought you were?

[jonnydog]

Why did Edward Woodward have 4 d’s in his name?

... cos if he didn’t he’d have been called Ewar Woowar!

[Metalmicky]

Trying to think of a reason to move to Switzerland,  suppose the signs flag's a big plus..

[turnbull for england]

Maybe explains the tumbleweed, even Red J   didnt go for it

[Not Now Kato]

A friend of mine suddenly reappeared in our local, having been away for 12 months on a surveying job in the Australian outback. He was asked to tell us about the posting.

"Absolutely mind-blowingly boring. For the whole time I was on my own, no internet, no phone signal, no habitation, no other people, nothing. All I could do was work and sleep".

It was pointed out that as he was a sociable chap with voluminous libido, he must have found it hard.

"Bloody hard; almost unbearable having to go the full trip with only one sexual encounter".

Only one? With whom, we asked, given that he had told us that he had seen no other human.

"Well, I was surveying one day and I came across an ostrich with its head buried in the sand. I was so frustrated that the sight of a prominent orifice being disported left me with no choice; I just had to drop my shorts and get stuck up this ostrich."

Being probably our only opportunity to ask for a first-hand account of having sex with an ostrich, we naturally pressed him for a summary of the experience.

"It was OK for the first couple of miles, but then I got out of step".

[DubaiRover]

"What do we want?"
"Hearing aids"
"When do we want them?"
"HEARING AIDS!"

[drfchound]

Alziemers society march :

What do we want ?
"Don't know"

When do we want it ?
"What"?

[idler]

Quasimodo comes home and sees Esmarelda with a wok in her hand.
He says " Great are we having Chinese for tea"?
She says "No I'm just going to iron your shirt".

[Bentley Bullet]

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
 
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

[tommy toes]

Pirate to Doctor  'Arghhh I've got these big moles on me back Doc arghhh.'

Doc has a look: 'It's OK they're benign'

Pirate: 'No there be ten arghhh.'

[tommy toes]

What do you call an alien that only eats eggs butter and cheese?

An extra-cholesterol.

I knew the wife was a keeper as soon as I met her....she was wearing these big gloves.

Batman came up to me and hit me over the head with a vase and said T'PAU!
Dont you mean KAPOW! I said.

No I've got China in my hand.

[tommy toes]

Me and the wife, who is rather flat chested went to marriage guidance the other day.
'What seems to be the problem' asked the counsellor.'

'Well, Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic.' I replied.

[tommy toes]

Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.
He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!" --his fellow workmates just cheered.



I tried to read a book today on the history of Sellotape, but I couldn't find the beginning.

I got thrown out of the cinema for taking my own food yesterday.

Been ages since I've had a barbecue.


The condition of the man who was mauled at the Teddy bear's picnic is said to be improving but he's not out of the woods yet!

[tommy toes]

 I took the wife to see "War For The Planet Of The Apes" last night.

She spent most of the evening signing autographs.


Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".


Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

[tommy toes]

I met this transvestite from the Greater Manchester area last night.

She/he had a Wigan address.

[drfchound]

What is the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?

One shoots and can’t hit..........

[drfchound]

I got a fright when I went outside on Halloween.
There was a dead baby ghost on the drive, or so I thought.
It turned out to be a mans handkerchief.

[Bentley Bullet]

What's the difference between a male conductor of a choir of nymphomaniacs and a baby?

A baby sucks his fingers.