Tim Vine Jokes

[Colin C No.3]

The Lone Ranger sees Tonto lying with his ear to the ground so he rides over, gets off Silver & says “What is it Tonto?”

Tonto says “ Wagon with four horses. Front two horses brown, one lame in front leg……left front leg. Back two horses one black one grey. Driver wearing red neck kerchief.”

“Wow old friend” says the Lone Ranger, “You have many skills handed down to you from your tribe but tell me, how can you be so sure of all those descriptions just by lying there with your ear to the ground?”.

Tonto replies “Wagon ran over head”.

[Not Now Kato]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains...

Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his ear to the ground.

Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, "What is it?"

"Buffalo come," Tonto replied.

"How can you tell?"

"Ear sticky."

[Not Now Kato]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent set up, both men fell asleep.

A few hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger.

"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what do you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies "I see a beautiful clear sky with millions of stars".

"What does that tell you?" Asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger looks at the sky and ponders for a minute.

"From an astrological sense, it tells me there are hundreds of thousands if not millions of galaxies in our universe and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise it looks like it's about three in the morning. Meteorologically it looks like it's going to be a beautiful day.

What does it tell you, Tonto?"

"That you are dumber than buffalo shit!!! It means someone stole our tent!!!"

[Not Now Kato]

And my all time favourite LR&T joke....
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know you left your Injun running!"

[Bentley Bullet]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are trapped on a mountain.

"There's 1,000 screaming Sioux to the north of us, 1,500 angry Apache to the west, 2,000 crazed Cherokee to the east, and 2,500 pissed-off Pima to the south", says the Lone Ranger. "We're in a real pickle here, friend, what are we going to do?"

"What do you mean 'we', paleface?"

[Not Now Kato]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were trying to ride up a steep mountain, but with the shale and loose gravel Silver and Scout just couldn't make it. The Lone Range tells Tonto 'Tie Scout to that bush, and climb up here behind me'. Tonto, confused but ever faithful, ties up his horse, climbs up behind Lone Ranger's saddle, and this time Silver has no problem at all climbing up the mountain.

The Lone Ranger ties Silver to a tree at the top, and he and Tonto walk back down the mountain to get Scout. Tonto unties the horse, jumps in the saddle, and tells Lone Ranger 'Now, Kemosabe, you climb up behind me.' The Lone Ranger tells him 'It doesn't work that way Tonto, YOU have to be behind the saddle.' Tonto says 'Why that, Kemosabe?' The Lone Ranger shakes his head pityingly, and says 'Don't you know anything Tonto? It's common knowledge you get better traction with the Injun in the rear.'

[Colin C No.3]

Back on the one liners.

Never pick a fight with an ugly bloke. He has nothing to lose.

[Not Now Kato]

I’ve been a fan of gazpacho soup since before it was cool.

[Not Now Kato]

I found out what a vanishing point is today. That put everything in perspective.

[Not Now Kato]

I didn't keep up my subscription to our local Scrabble club............
they've now started sending me threatening letters...

[Bentley Bullet]

Charlie Sheen is American.

Michael Sheen is British.

Mr Sheen is Polish.

[Not Now Kato]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total grade. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the grade." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust manifold."

[Colin C No.3]

I’ve recently learned how to play the harmonica. I drive my car as fast as I can, put my window down & hold the harmonica out of it.

[Not Now Kato]

I was once so poor I couldn't afford to pay my electricity bill.  Those were the darkest days of my life!

[Not Now Kato]

Bad news, my morbidly obese parrot died today.    It's sad, but a weight off my shoulders.....

[Colin C No.3]

I’m an atheist. Part of a non-prophet organisation.

[Not Now Kato]

People are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.

[mugnapper]

Terrible accident whilst playing Peek a Boo with my Granddaughter.
She's in the I.C.U.

[Colin C No.3]

A man’s best friend outside of a dog is a book. A book inside of a dog is very dark.

[Not Now Kato]

The only thing I’ve got planned today is to collect my new glasses.
Then I’ll see what happens.

[Bentley Bullet]

My internet went down yesterday. Bloody next-door neighbour hasn't paid his bill again, the tight git.

[Colin C No.3]

When you have to slam on your brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.

[Pancho Regan]

I spent ages trying to work out how to fasten the seatbelt in the back of my wife's car the other day.
Then it just clicked.

[Bentley Bullet]

 Just been talking to Bruce Lee's daughter, Simone. She works in the mobile phone shop in Bentley.

[Colin C No.3]

Have you ever noticed that Joe Biden’s wife’s lips never move when he is speaking?

[Reg of the Rovers]

Just been talking to Bruce Lee's daughter, Simone. She works in the mobile phone shop in Bentley.

That's funny, I've just been talking to Bruce Lee's daughter that Sting sang about - Solone.

[Colin C No.3]

I always wanted to walk into a Specsavers & ask for a pound of minced beef & two lamb chops.

[Bentley Bullet]

Henry the Eighth’s second wife would never rush into a room.

She'd just amble in.

[Mike_F]

My mates and I used to be into snail racing. I thought mine would go faster if I removed its shell but if anything that just made it more sluggish.

[Mike_F]

The manager of my local pillow factory was in a dispute with the mill owner next door who kept pinching his feathers and pouring them into the mill.

I said "Don't let the bas**rd grind your down."