Tim Vine Jokes

[Colin C No.3]

Apparently Ryan Air are going to start charging for emotional baggage.

[Bentley Bullet]

L**ds United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead.

[Not Now Kato]

Went to the doctor’s this morning.
He said, “let’s talk about your weight”
I said, “yes, nearly half a bloody hour”.

[Not Now Kato]

Now that I’ve sold off my entire Dusty Springfield record collection, I just don’t know what to do with my shelf

[Not Now Kato]

Window cleaner woke me up this morning, screaming and shouting.........he'd completely lost his rag

[Not Now Kato]

Yesterday, my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I accidentally gave her the super glue. Would you believe, she's still not talking to me.

[Not Now Kato]

During a tour of HMS Victory, a French visitor asked "Are those the cannon balls that were fired in the battle of Trafalgar?"
 
The tour guide replied "No Madame, your navy still has those".